From: DAVE_MORRIS
Transcript of Fourth Presidential Debate
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the fourth presidential debate
between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W.
Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I
will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to
appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent
will then have one minute to respond by trying to
frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a
speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly
while he continues to spew incomprehensible
statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president.
Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden
citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way
that strains the bounds of common sense and credulity?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
tenderly made love the way we have so often during the
30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden
have a clear choice in this election. My opponent
wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of
Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the
richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they
can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who
is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling
her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so
that she
can travel to these debates and personify problems for
me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day,
hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering
anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to
empower those crying people to make their own
decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not
Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs.
Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid
to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to
deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm
elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is
have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick
would present me several options for dealing with that
guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose.
You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
foreign policy decisions every day about how we're
going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been
keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam.
I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World
War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian
War. And when that war was over, I came home and
tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any
undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm
entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to
deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or
domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox.
Because the American people deserve a president who
can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the
Social Security system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe
Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of
mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
senior citizen without having it cost the federal
treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In
addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next
10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can
have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday
by a federal employee who will also help them with the
child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor
of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add
up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill
potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds
to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state
fairgrounds. Also I learned how to do scientific
notation in order to represent the number of sixteen
year old boys who have cursed in school and thus had
to be put to death.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
politician, but I will fight for the working families
of America, in addition to turning the White House
into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the
past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.