Russ Newsom

The 2004 election is over. Care for some insight with your hangover?

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their

spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their

government to its true principles...in the meantime we are suffering deeply

in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of

enormous public debt..."

<I>--Thomas Jefferson, from a letter he sent in 1798 after the passage of

the Sedition Act.</I>

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Concession Speech

[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to

the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are heard.]

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with

a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending

of garments]

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.

Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you

saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special.

And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who

ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating

pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff,

and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the

President's strategists: putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot

in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It

got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented

number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest

issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex

marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy...

Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did.

Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of

you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in

a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich

old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch

the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You

voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck.

Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for

healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last

night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles.

As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about

secession, a red state/blue state split. The reasoning was this: we in blue

states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the

most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money

from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the

only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red

states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states

produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you

in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state

civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while

red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!?

Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had

something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and

daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the

urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those

of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you

can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that

luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize

you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the

heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we

wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to

us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America

doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to

unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when

it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational

breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain

hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally

inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you

insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.

Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury: as well as conceding

the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in

2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no

pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for

my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty,

the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine

sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know

just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying

the nation and the world. They don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to

you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones,

you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads.

Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help

your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if he

does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal the

rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and

the empty field beyond.]

<I>--author unknown</I>

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